- You drink, drug, gamble, sex, lie, control others, rage, manipulate (or any other flavor of destructive behaviors) to the point that it has documented itself to be a negative element in your life and/or the life of those around you……. yet you keep doing it. To quote my brother 11 years ago (on my sobriety date) “you look like a pussy to me”. (Have I ever thanked you for that Bro?)
- You cannot take any sort of criticism without deflecting, projecting, denying, gaslighting or blaming. Your Ego (Edging God Out) is huge and your humility is small. Instead of being a big enough person to appreciate somebody caring enough about you to fight off the awkward, carve time out of their life and point out a defect in your character (or a glaring and obvious problem) you instantly revert to attack-mode (typically before they are even done attempting to make a point). You make them pay for even bringing stuff like this up! How dare they!! Whether you acknowledge it or not, you intentionally make it so painful on those trying to help you that they will just leave you alone and never make such a mistake again! Just one of many manipulate tactics by those of us living in fear and deep within the confines of our own delusion. These diversionary tactics are weak, come from a place of fear and will continue to limit your ability to grow in a healthy way. Until you get honest (and brave) enough to face your demons, you will move in the opposite direction of your potential and any shot of happiness. Unfortunately, it will not be just you who continues to suffer. Those around you will be worse off just for knowing you. They are forced to give in and accept (even enable) your toxic and abusive behavior or suffer the wrath of the almighty Egomaniac with an inferiority complex! Really sucks for those who have no choice (like your children).
- You perpetually default to self-pity, temper tantrums and/or extreme emotional outbursts when you don’t get “your way”. You are ALWAYS the Victim. In fact, I will call this person the “Perpetual Victim”. Compared to drinking and beating up your spouse and/or kids (or puppy) this one’s small potatoes but it’s abusive and destructive nonetheless. Same as the others, it comes from a place of fear and is a distraction mechanism that scared, weak people use to take the focus off of exactly where the focus should be… THE TRUTH! It is my opinion (and experience) that the Perpetual Victim AND family members living in this cycle of hell could use the professional services of a mediator or interventionist just as much as an alcoholic or drug addict. The unadulterated truth may be exposed, addressed and resolved through healthy and honest communication in this format but without it… well, your probably %*#!ed. The only option for those family members or friends who yearn for freedom from such childish, cowardly nonsense is to remove themselves from it completely or continue to walk on the eggshells of unpredictability and inappropriate behavior. Untreated or ignored the “Perpetual Victim” will continue their childish tantrums and manipulations while subjecting their victims to all of the pain, frustration and even embarrassment that comes with such a toxic relationship.
What’s at the core of this type of all of these? It’s a long list of toxic, fear-based and/or ultimately selfish programming that they refuse to face, address and correct. It could be as simple as being a selfish prick or as complicated as years of abuse stemming from childhood. The one (and only) thing I am 100% certain of is that they will reach a point in their life where they have a choice. A time where they make a conscious decision to selfishly continue the destructive behavior instead of walking through the door of their fears.
I’m actually very grateful, quite often, that I get to participate in the recovery process and 12 step program. I tried feeling sorry for myself for many years, drinking, drugging and even playing the Perpetual Victim role. None of it worked well in the long term. In fact, it turned on me and just made things worse. I’m glad I survived it! Now, I’m in a position to offer empathy from a place of experience but with that, I can undoubtedly say that we/you have a choice.
I also believe, on a more spiritual level, that we are here to learn from stuff like this.. to grow from it. That we have an incredible opportunity to overcome fear-based obstacles like this and that if we don’t, it will manifest as major regrets as we draw our final breaths in this world. I know it’s melodramatic but I wholeheartedly believe it.
Make the right choice. Choose not to be a coward and instead, be brave and fearlessly honest. Care about yourself and those around you enough to work around your ego and humbly approach all of the issues brought to your attention. Be grateful the feedback came to you (in whatever form it came to you) and for the opportunity to grow from that valuable information. Swallow your pride and grow! The end result is happiness and it’s worth it.
See my resources page for public/online groups you can join and feel free to contact me anytime as well. Thank you for reading.